


Regret and Motivation

by Natsuha_mayu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, Fukurodani - Freeform, I love kinoshita, I'm Bad At Tagging, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Nekoma, References to Depression, a romantic dork, and maybe seijoh will appear, angst maybe, daisuga is the mother and father, mix of angst and fluff, slight angst, tsukki is such a dork i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 18:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14195241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natsuha_mayu/pseuds/Natsuha_mayu
Summary: Yamaguchi loves to berates himself and Tsukishima is having none of that.Also, Karasuno thinks Hinata needs glasses. And a new brain.





	1. Behind that smile

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this story! 
> 
> It's my first time writing a fic using Haikyuu characters and I'm actually quite annoyed that my first story is such an angsty one but I really wanted to write this down before I forget!
> 
> (Warning: Mentions of depression, low self-esteem and implied suicide; trigger warning!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi likes to berates himself, and Tsukishima is having none of that. 
> 
> Also, Hinata probably needs glasses. . . and maybe a new brain.

Tsukishima Kei knows very well the difficulties and trouble of watching and carrying heavy, emotional baggage; having to be put in the shoes of one who experiences this situation is beyond Kei’s understanding of the word ‘annoying’. The root cause for his inability to empathize is Akiteru, his brother.

At such a young age, Kei was tricked by Akiteru's lies; all for the effort to look good in the younger brother's eyes. But when those lies were exposed, it ultimately ended up crushing all the respect he had for the elder. From then on, Tsukishima Kei has lived his life in pure ignorance and treated everything around him as a nuisance.

His lack of empathy caused him to ponder with bored eyes, as to why Sugawara san had thrown himself at Sawamura san in an attempt to punch the living day light out of the latter. All the while  he was screaming something along the lines of _"looking down on my abilities as Karasuno's setter!"_ despite finally going out with the captain a few days before yet said captain is currently on the verge of ~~breaking up~~ receiving nearly a week's worth of silent treatment from the pretty boy.

His lack of empathy allowed him to carry out volleyball practice as per normal even though everyone had been walking on eggshells around Sugawara san - especially Sawamura san and idiot number two (read: Kageyama). 

Also, his ignorance during their first official match against Seijoh earned him an earful from Coach Ukai too. Tsukishima could not - for the love of his life - understand why his subjected to such scoldings and getting caught in tight situations with the members when it is not his fault for not having enough energy to care for the things going on around him.

Is it really _that_ important? 

. . . Tsukishima couldn't understand. 

 ***

 

The blonde let out a sigh and his lips raised slightly in an attempt to produce a condescending smirk as the thought of being _not empathetic enough_ runs through his mind. He crossed his left ankle across his right and leaned backwards against the white wall. A heavy beat blasted out of his headphones hanging around his neck; a habit of his when he is annoyed - blasting songs without wearing his headphones properly.

He tilted his head to the left slightly and frowned when he sees that the metal gates remained closed, even though the other should have walked past it 10 minutes ago. His eyes flitted down to the loose gravel scattered along the pathway, eyebrows knitting together at a thought: Wait.

When it comes to emotional baggage, there _is_ one person who appears to have gain his empathy, albeit it should be a given seeing that they've been to -  

"Sorry Tsukki!"

A cheerful voice sliced through the silent morning. The metal gates creaked and echoed as the green-haired boy opens and shuts them before bounding up to the blonde happily; all smiles and teeth. Tsukishima scanned the boy from head to toe with all his poker face and dead eyes, silently taking note of how, once again, the shorter's eyes are red and puffy. Newly formed bruises on his knuckles were prominent against his over-sized winter uniform despite the desperate attempts to cover it up. 

Tsukishima's heart aches, but his expression remains still.

". . . Yamaguchi." 

The shorter flinched, eyes flitting from the ground to Tsukishima's chest to wherever his eyes could land on; except Tsukishima's face. He slowly moved his fists behind his back and began to rock on his heels as he whispered out a soft "Yes?"

A small, weary smile crossed his features as he slightly looked up to peak at the blonde. 

 _Tsk_. 

Straightening up, Tsukishima began to walk. "Let's go, we're going to be late for school at this rate." 

And so the duo began their journey to school, Tsukishima taking small strides, hands stuffed in his pocket like he always do while Yamaguchi trailed behind him like the loyal pup he portrayed himself to be. 

 ***

 

The snow is thick and blindingly white. The cold breeze gently blew against their warmly-covered bodies. Even though the snow is thick enough to bury a dead body and successfully hiding it till the snow melts ( _it would be really great if he could bury Hinata or Akiteru...just saying)_ , many people continued on with their lives. Cars zoomed past the two and - wait. There's just too many people that morning. Why are there so many people? Is there even a need to jog in the morning, during winter? Why is he even bothered by what people do in the cold winter morning?

. . . Tsukishima doesn't understand. He shook his head and continued to walk.

The blonde _loves_ winter (he just do), but he had always known that the shorter boy is hopeless when it comes to this freezing season, if the sniffling and the small quiet sneezes at the back could be any more obvious. Yamaguchi had never said anything about his weakness to the cold, but he's extremely bad at keeping things a secret so it was simple for Tsukishima to figure it out.

"Yamaguchi."

"Hmm?"

"Wear your extra sweater and blow your nose. It's annoying." 

Tsukishima stopped in his tracks and turned to face Yamaguchi, who was already fumbling with his bag while muttering "A-ah! M-mm hold on Tsukki. . ." He pulled out a black pull-over and place it over his shoulder and began to dig for the packet of tissue that is somehow somewhere buried beneath the books' spines.

 "Hold on Tsukki, I can't seem to find the tiss-ues. . . " 

 Yamaguchi trailed off just as Tsukishima approaches him with a slight frown on his face.

"Tadashi." 

The said boy scrunched his face. Tsukishima only says his first name when he wants to address something important. This is not good. "Y-yes, Tsukki?"

And then he sneezes. 

Tsukishima huffs and took another step closer to the shorter. He dugs out a packet of tissue from the front compartment of his own bag, pulled out a sheet and not-so-gently shoved the tissue paper straight into the latter's face.

Yamaguchi sputtered and his hand flew up to his face, holding the tissue in place. His eyes blinked twice and he stared at Tsukishima with eyebrows raised. "Thank you Tsukki. . . ?" It wasn't suppose to sound like a question, but surely Tsukki would forgive him, right?

"You look worse than crap each passing day." 

Well, looks like Tsukki did forgive him. But he sure likes to get straight to the point. 

Compared to how ungraceful Tsukishima had offered the tissue, his long fingers gently runs through Yamaguchi's hair and he leaned forward slightly, foreheads touching. Yamaguchi closes his eyes, relishing in the gentle touch coming from the usually salty boy and the soft scent of his fabric softener mixed with the other's own scent.

"What happened this time? Hmm?" Tsukishima whispered. His eyes raked over the shorter's features, watching how his eyebrows twitched slightly and his lips quivered, not from the cold but from whatever emotions he had been suppressing all this while. 

Yamaguchi raised his free hand and imitated Tsukishima's actions. His eyelids fluttered open and he smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners and cheeks pressed against his lower eyelids, creating a perfect eye-smile. 

"Nothing, really."

Damn, now Tsukishima really wants to slap the living daylight out of this boy. "Tadashi, you're being -- " He stared at Yamaguchi hard when the boy lightly tapped his lips with his index finger. His lips were tightly pressed into a straight line and the eye-smile on his face did not waver. His freckled cheeks were blossoming into the colour of an apple; it's not everyday Tsukishima would put their foreheads together or expresses his concerns openly towards Yamaguchi. Even more so when they are approaching the school zone. 

"Come on Tsukki, we're _really_ going to be late for school." 

Tsukishima gave him a wry look and tilted his gaze to a spot behind Yamaguchi, "You know what, let's skip." 

He grabbed the shocked boy's hands, interlaced their fingers together and pulled the latter along as they took a different route, away from school. "Ts-Tsukki?!" Yamaguchi squaked in pure confusion. 

If there is one thing that Tsukishima really hates the most, is to see with his very own eyes, Yamaguchi pretending to be strong and keeping things from him. Struggling alone is Yamaguchi's specialty, but there are times where Tsukishima wants Yamaguchi to rely on him. He hates it when the shorter dares to hide his pain in front of him, with that sickeningly adorable eye-smile. 

And if it's going to take Tsukishima years to break down that smile, he is willing to throw in every ounce of effort and all sorts of disgusting emotions he could afford to make the other smile genuinely. 

In fact he _should_ be relying on him. 

They _are_ dating after all. 


	2. What lies in that broken heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, thank you for moving to the next chapter! I sincerely appreciate your support to read on, really really thankful.  
> In this chapter, I probably should warn yall before hand that, there are mentions of Dazai Osamu (thus there would be mentions of implied suicide and depression, if I am not wrong) so if you are uncomfortable of it, I apologise.  
> Hopefully this chapter is satisfactory!

At times, Tsukishima could not help but agree with the things Tanaka san and Noya san had pointed out about him ages ago: 

One, he isn't the brightest light bulb when it comes down to the topic of empathy, or sympathy or whatever word people use to substitute pity with, without sounding as asshol- _ish_ as he already is (or maybe even worse). And two, Tsukishima and romance? Tanaka san and Noya san had turned their gazes to one another for a few seconds before bursting out into peals of laughter, screaming _"That's got to be a bad joke!"_ and that _"It sounds like a bad joke turned into a horror movie!"_. 

Also, when word got out that he was dating Yamaguchi (courtesy of a nameless idiot who caught them cuddling on the rooftop during lunch break and had the smartest idea of running down the hallway screaming _"Salty-shima is dating his loyal dog!"_ with expression and gestures mimicking that one ugly painting who looked like he was forever screaming), Tanaka san had the decency to openly compare how their relationship looked more like an _owner and his pet_ rather than a couple.

Tsukishima deadpanned.

The finishing blow was when they were compared to not only Hinata and Kageyama (who weren't even dating because shrimpy is _oblivious to no end_ ) but also Kuroo san and Kenma. Ahh, Kuroo the retarded and Kenma the similar. Just _great_. 

Tsukishima could swore he heard thunder rumbling at the back of his mind. 

However, despite the second years' teasing, there are times where Tsukishima wanted to disagree with Tanaka san and Noya san. Times when he and Yamaguchi are in their own world, showering each other with all their attention and simply being in the shorter's presence. 

He could not help feeling blissful because he, in all his 190 cm salty being, was able to snag such a caring and blindingly beautiful lover who understood that the blonde showed his emotions of love in a different manner, and in return gave him that breathtakingly beautiful eye-smile. 

That. . .breathtakingly, beautiful  _eye-smile_. . .

Tsukishima's heart aches painfully.

 If Tsukishima and romance results in a horror movie, Yamaguchi would be a tragedy. 

 

***

Tsukishima let out a silent sigh and dropped his head gently atop the shorter's head, resting his chin against the fluffy mop of green hair. He tightened his embrace around the other and slides his legs down, letting them spread out in front of him. Having both of his long legs bent at the knees for a prolonged amount of time was not such a good idea apparently; his bone were whining in pain. But, at times like this, yeah, he disagrees with the second years about how their relationship is just like owner and pet.

Because, look. An owner would not be spooning his pet, the feeling of love overwhelming his entire being. He would not be enjoying the warmth that only a human could provide. Definitely, he definitely can prove to Tanaka san that his relationship with Yamaguchi is incomparable to _an owner and his pet._

"What's wrong Tsukki?" Yamaguchi questioned with eyes trained on the television, his dainty yet calloused fingers rubbing against the skin of the blonde's right hand. 

"Legs are numb. Let it remain any longer they'll be on the same par as Hinata's IQ." 

"You can't really compare your leg abilities with Hinata's IQ, Tsukki. It doesn't make sense," Yamaguchi snorts, "Should I move? We can sit on your bed instead," he offers as he leaned further backwards onto Tsukishima's chest, his eyes now casting a side glance at him. Of course it would hurt, seeing that it's been nearly an hour since they last sat on the floor in that position.

' _Though I_ am _worried that his legs will digress to Hinata's IQ though it doesn't make sense but makes sense at the same time; is it possible though?_ , he quietly ponders to himself. 

Instead of verbalising his answer, Tsukishima simply pulls him closer - as close as they could ever get. Yamaguchi's heart warms at the action, his eyes now glancing at the intertwined hands he was currently rubbing on with his fingers, placed on his abdomen with a tiny smile on his face.

Tsukishima is kind, Yamaguchi knows that very well. 

"What are you watching anyways? It looks like the previous movie you watched the other day," Tsukishima averts his attention to the television, chin remained resting on Yamaguchi's head and his eyebrows brought down in an annoyed frown.

Today is a Friday, and every Friday till Sunday night is movie marathon time. Yamaguchi loves to watch all sorts of stories - from animes to dramas to even Youtube videos of volleyball players (He thinks ogling at those players like the Miya twins or that Kiryu guy would make him jealous. Pfft, he thought wr- _right. This cheeky asshole of a lover_ ).

There was a time where movie marathon time consists of only Studio Ghibli animes and at the end of that phase, Tsukishima had nearly memorized the lines by heart. Even the theme songs. 

Lately, the shorter is interested in animes and dramas that either ends tragically, or leave him in tears throughout the duration of the movie.

 Now, Tsukishima loves Yamaguchi. He really do. But having to painfully sit through movies after movies that are repeated almost every time he came to sleep over, he was about to blow at the boy and chuck his beloved stack of DVDs out of the window.

But Tsukishima loves Yamaguchi.

That is why he resorted to making snarky comments every single time, albeit Yamaguchi tends to tune him out unless he deems what Tsukishima said is important.  

"Ne, Tsukki?"

"Hmm?"

Tsukishima's frown deepened. For the past two weeks, including now, the storyline for each movie or drama that they had watched have themes of implied suicide, depression, being abandoned and abused. The blonde's usual snarky remarks had toned down till he remained quiet even after the end of the story, deciding against commenting anything because these stories are starting to fill Tsukishima with concern and worry. 

"Do you know Dazai Osamu?"

"That one author who tried to commit suicide multiple times because his idol committed suicide which is a stupid and lower-than-the-idiotic-combo's-capability-to-make-decision kind of decision? Yeah, I know. Why?" 

Yamaguchi hums, "I wonder, if he ever thought that trying to end his life was a stupid decision every single time he did. Like ' _this is stupid, I shouldn't have tried to end my life. I should try and live!'_ or something instead of trying to kill himself many times." 

A heavy silence took over the atmosphere and a cold chill ran down the blonde's spine.

. . . Tsukishima can no longer deny that he is extremely concerned. His heart was thumping heavily and he could feel perspiration forming on his temples. The temperature of the room rapidly decreases as Yamaguchi continues to hum the theme song to the series. Whatever the boy has in mind, Tsukishima honestly does not want to know, but whatever lies in the boy's heart, he badly wants to claw the negativity out as soon as possible. 

"You know," the shorter continues, "this series is called 'Aoi Bungaku'. It's an adaptation of various literature, and this episode is adapted from Dazai Osamu's novel _'No Longer Human'._ I really like it." Yamaguchi leans his head against Tsukishima's shoulder and the corner of his lips curled into a small smile, eyes gazing out of the window and fixed at the greying clouds; the vast blue sky slowly dissipating behind them.

Just like the crushing feeling in his heart.

"Tsukki, do you think committing suicide will be painful?"

His heart nearly stopped.

"I've always wondered," Yamaguchi raises a hand towards the window, fingers curling as if grabbing the clouds, "I've always wondered, will you be sad if I died? Will I be able to go to heaven? Will God forgive me for ending my life, even though he gave me the chance to live? Will I -" 

"-Tadashi." Tsukishima cuts, voice cracking slightly.

He loosened his grip around the boy, gripped his shoulders and turned his body to face him. Yamaguchi tilted his head to the side, eyes blinking in confusion. "Tsukki? I was simply just wondering about the 'what-if's' questions. What's wrong? Why do you look like that?" He countered, hands raising to his face and gently caressed the cheeks beneath his glasses. Said boy dipped his head down and leaned his forehead against the other, deadpanned eyes frantically eyeing the other's own pair of irises with great concern swimming behind those glasses. 

"I should be asking you that," he murmured softly and cupped Yamaguchi's face. "You know you can rely on me right? Tadashi? I am your boyfriend, and first and foremost your best friend since our childhood. You can tell _me_ what's wrong. In fact, you _should_ tell me. Let me share your pain and your thoughts. _Please?_ " 

Yamaguchi bit his lips.

For a moment he remained silent.

Tsukishima, for the first time in his life wanted to scream out in frustration.

The freckled boy then raised his head, planting a soft kiss against Tsukishima's lips for a few seconds before parting away, the colour red blooming rapidly from his freckled cheeks to the tip of his ears and down his neck. 

"Tsukki.."

 _Tsk_.

"You really are kind. Thank you." 

Yamaguchi smiled his breathtaking eye-smile; Tsukishima's heart shattered.  

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this chapter till the end! I apologise for it being short. Reason because I have not been in good condition and my brain jammed from letting me write. Right now, my head hurts and I really want to get it up. 
> 
> I have been wondering, despite it being based on a true story, there is yet to have an ending. So I wanted to know, if you would prefer me to just continue on based on what I feel like writing, or you could chip in some ideas so that the story could actually go somewhere... and maybe it can help this person. 
> 
> Gosh my head hurts. I really really apologise for the late update, and hopefully this chapter is not a disappointment! Once again, I thank you all readers for finishing this chapter. See you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> If you have reached the end, I sincerely thank you for taking the time to read it! I'm not sure whether it's good but I'm still learning to write a fic yoroshikuuu! Hahaha ^^
> 
> Anways, this is purely written at 3am in the morning, really based on a true story though I did tweak it here and there, and my fanfic writing skills have gone rusty. I used to write for Kpop, but now the sudden change in characters and situation makes it tricky for me, but I'll try my best. I also have a tendency to just swing the plot, so, I'm not really sure how this is going to end up but I'll try my best! Really!


End file.
